I lived the first half of my life trying to live according to whatever I was “supposed to do”. My older brother was charming, handsome, and most importantly, male. My younger sister was fiercely independent with a bigger-than-life personality. I was the mousy, peace-making one in the middle who tried to avoid conflict at all costs and usually did what I was “supposed to do”. Marrying at 21, I had my first child at 23 with two more to follow. I wanted nothing more than to live a simple life, become a wonderful wife and mother, and grow old with my husband.
Over the years, my emotionally distant husband began a slow but progressive pattern of controlling behaviors that grew into full-blown addictive behaviors, yet I still did what I was “supposed to do” for a long time, pretending everything was okay.
There came a breaking point where my husband refused to admit there were any problems and refused any sort of counseling for our relationship or himself, so I began my own counseling journey which ended up with me realizing that without his willingness and participation, our marriage was doomed. When we separated, he reacted by leaving his job, leaving the state, and leaving me with the house, kids, bills, and an empty banking account.
So, at the age of 38, I found myself abandoned with sons who were 7 and 11 years old and a 15-year-old daughter. It was a very scary time. Debt collectors began regular threats, letters about my house being repossessed were coming, and I was consumed night and day with 3 immediate needs in order to survive: how to keep my job, how to keep my car running, and how to feed my children. Then, within just a few months, a newly hired man at work began offering his assistance … he drove my kids to a free day camp that I used for child-care, he checked my brakes when he noticed them squealing as I pulled into the employee parking lot, he loaned me his clothes dryer when mine stopped working (that’s a story in and of itself)! He was perfectly understanding of my “I hate men” attitude and initial resistance to entering another relationship.
I could tell you that I did what I was “supposed to do”. I could tell you that I set appropriate boundaries with this man for a very long time and that I focused solely on my children’s emotional needs, rather than my own. But the truth is that after 16 years of no true emotional intimacy, I was gradually won over by feeling no expectations from this new guy and by feeling valued, appreciated, and respected as a woman. It was obvious that I was supposed to get my life together before starting another relationship, of course. I was supposed to tread very carefully before introducing someone new to my children. I was supposed to get a divorce and live on my own for a while or perhaps forever. Maybe, after an appropriate period, then, and ONLY then, was I to consider another possible relationship. Oh, and ideally, the next guy should be around my age, perhaps divorced and have kids of his own, right? Right.
With the help of this new man in my life, I worked several jobs, got back on my feet and finalized a divorce two years later. Five months after the divorce, at the age of 40, I married this 27-year-old man who had never been married and never had children. Many thought that we were highly unlikely for a successful marriage. In fact, the minister at our wedding said to our family and friends who were there to wish us A LOT of lot of luck because, “frankly, they are going to need it”!
Next June, we will be married 30 years. Not only have they been incredibly happy years for me, our three adult children and each of our beautiful grandchildren have incredible love and respect for this man as he has always been there for them, loving them unconditionally in the truest sense of the word.
So, the next time you feel pressured to do whatever it is that you feel you are “supposed to do”, I would offer that you may want to listen to your heart rather than your head and take a chance on the unconventional choice. It just might work out better than you ever could have dreamed. It did for me.
